birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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