lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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