dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
