Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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