Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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