I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
