I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
That accounts for only three of the penises
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
