matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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