I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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