His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This baby is an asshole
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
