i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
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