You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize