Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
