So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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