on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
