My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
