They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm really busy with my period
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