he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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