I met the friendliest cop last night
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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