i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
