At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
