I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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