I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
