so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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