After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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