Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
