forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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