Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
