I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
