Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
