Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
