i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
