she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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