I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
