doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
