Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
