Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize