Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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