hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
