she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
