Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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