the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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