I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
