theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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