I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
