Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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