Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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