I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
