Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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