you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
