i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
