When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
