what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
