im drinking this country out of the recession.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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