I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
