Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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