You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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