There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
