guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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