my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize