Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
