note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
