Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
