yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
