I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
