Apparently you make a good broom.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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