Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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