Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
