I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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