The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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